DIY With Holly and Artemis
by Sovrani
Summary: Holly and Artemis start a DIY show together. Inspired by our trampoline at home. New chapter, R & R please.
1. Trampoline

**(Disclaimer: Arty and Holly belong to Eoin... lucky little son of a-THE FOLLOWING WORD HAS BEEN BLIPPED FOR THE INTEREST OF YOUNGER READERS INNOCENT MINDS-)**

**(A/N: Got this idea when we were setting up our trampoline. XD Yes, we finally have one!)**

Holly: Hi there everyone! Welcome to "DIY With Holly and Artemis!"

Artemis: You mean "DIY With _Artemis_ and _Holly._"

Holly: No, "DIY With Holly and Artemis."

Artemis: I think you mean "DIY With _Artemis_ and _Holly._"

Holly: No.

Artemis: It should be alphabetical, therefore it should be "DIY With _Artemis_ and _Holly._"

Holly: No it shouldn't.

Artemis: -getting frustrated- Yes it should!

Holly: -looking calmer than Artemis- No it shouldn't.

Artemis: And why not?

Holly: Because the Authoress wrote it, and if you disagree with her she's pummel you into ketchup.

Artemis: Oh. OK then, I won't complain.

Holly: Anyway, this is DIY With Holly and Artemis and today we're-

Artemis: What does DIY stand for?

Holly: Artemis, you should know.

Artemis: -thinks for a moment- Uh... Dreaming In Yorkshire?

Holly: -arches eyebrow- Uh, no. Good try though.

Artemis: Drowning In Yoyos?

Holly: Not quite. It stands for Do It Yourself.

Artemis: Do It Yourself... No wonder I didn't get it, I've never done anything myself. (A/N: Yeah, he's a pathetic little bugger, aint he? Don't worry Arty, we still love you!)

Holly: True, so we're going to set up a trampoline today and-

Artemis: Wait, you're telling me you made me buy these stupid trampoline parts so that I'd have to set them up myself?

Holly: Yeah, pretty much.

Artemis: -grits teeth- Oh, isn't that just peachy?

Holly: Whatever. What we need to do first is-

Artemis: Can't I just get Butler to do it?

Holly: No.

Artemis: Why not?

Holly: Because you need two people to set it up.

Artemis: Then I'll get Juliet to help him.

Holly: No you won't.

Artemis: Why not?

Holly: Because they're on holiday.

Artemis: No they aren't!

Holly: They are now. –talks into mobile phone- Chocks away, Bob!

Random Airplane: -lifts off-

Artemis: Then I'll just hire two men to take care of the trampoline.

Holly: Are you saying that women won't be able to do the job?

Artemis: No, when did I say that?

Holly: You said you'd hire two _men_ to take care of the trampoline. You have a lot of prejudice against women, Fowl.

Artemis: I have nothing against women, but I was just thinking that two people that are trained for this kind of job would do better than us two.

Holly: How do you figure?

Artemis: Well, you're a fairy, and I'm a genius who isn't used to physical labour.

Holly: You're also really scrawny and can't lift two kilos.

Artemis: Yes, that too, I suppose. So, why can't I hire two others to do it?

Holly: Because that sort of ruins the whole "Do It Yourself" part.

Artemis: That's what I meant.

Holly: I don't care, you're helping me set up this trampoline and there's nothing you can do about it.

Artemis: Well, actually-

Holly: OK, first we need to get these two poles and join them here and here, OK! That's done! Artemis, hand me a screwdriver.

Artemis: Screwdriver?

Holly: Oh, come on! You must have used them at least once!

Artemis: Yes, but those types of screwdrivers are miniscule and attached to a robotic arm.

Holly: -sigh- Fine, just had me that one there. –points at screwdriver-

_A Few Minutes Later..._

Holly: OK, this is impossible!

Artemis: -looks interested- If it's impossible, maybe we should get someone else to do it.

Holly: No, I didn't mean it in that way. Artemis, hand me that hammer.

Artemis: Hammer?

Holly: -sigh- That one there. –points at hammer-

_A Few Minutes Later..._

Holly: Artemis, can you hold this for me?

Artemis: -reading magazine- Sure, why not. –holds whatever Holly told him to-

Holly: OK, now don't let go of it or-

Artemis: What? –lets go of whatever it is-

Half-Finished Trampoline: -collapses-

Holly: Noooooooooooooo! My beautiful, beautiful trampoline! –cries-

Artemis: Can we give up now?

Holly: No we can not! I thought Artemis Fowl never gave up?

Artemis: That's with intellectual situations.

Holly: Whatever! Artemis, I'm going to build this trampoline myself, you're no help at all!

Artemis: Thank heavens! –continues reading magazine-

_Six Hours Later..._

Holly: -sits up, covered in grease- Finally! I finished!

Artemis: -lying in hammock that he hired someone to put up for him on account of physical labour makes his brain combust or whatever- Oh. OK, good.

Holly: Well, aren't you going to have a look?

Artemis: I guess I might as well... –gets out of hammock and looks at trampoline-

Holly: Ta da!

Artemis: -looks at picture in magazine, looks back at trampoline- Holly, are you sure you have done this correctly?

Holly: Positive.

Artemis: And you definitely followed all the instructions here?

Holly: All of them.

Artemis: And are you ABSOLUTELY sure that you bought the correct parts?

Holly: Yes, I am absolutely sure.

Artemis: Then why is there a tent in my back yard?

Holly: ...

Artemis: Holly?

Holly: ... I spent six hours putting up a TENT?

Artemis: Meep.

Holly: ALL THAT HARD WORK I PUT INTO IT WHILE YOU WERE JUST LYING AROUND ON THAT STUPID HAMMOCK WHICH YOU DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO PUT UP YOURSELF! WELL, I'VE HAD IT! I'VE HAD ENOUGH WITH YOU AND STUPID DIY PROJECTS! I GIVE UP!

Artemis: That's it Holly, let it all out.

Holly: -takes a few deep breaths- I think I'll go eat a tub of ice cream. –leaves-

Artemis: And that concludes today's episode of "DIY with Artemis and Holly."

Holly: IT'S "HOLLY AND ARTEMIS" YOU INSOLENT LITTLE MJUD WORM! I'M GOING TO SLIT YOUR THROAT IN YOUR SLEEP AND THEN I'M GOING TO BURY YOU AND THEN I'M GOING TO DIG YOU UP AND CLONE YOU AND KILL ALL YOUR CLONES AND WHEN I'VE DONE THAT, I'M NEVER TALKING TO YOU AGAIN!

Artemis: O.o

**(A/N: If I get enough reviews, I may be tempted to continue.**


	2. Spice Rack

**(Disclaimer: Yeah, I don't own it, as much as I'd like to.)**

**(A/N: I'm really glad so many people found it funny, because when I read it again I was thinking "Oh gods, people must think I had had WAY too many Oreos. Or TimTams. Or Ice Tea. Or like 20 packets of Mentos. Mmmm Mentos..." **

**Anyhow, I've written up a new chapter and I'm hoping people are very exited about it.)**

Holly: Welcome back to "DIY With Holly and Artemis!" Today we're...

Artemis: Uh, Holly?

Holly: Yes Artemis?

Artemis: Well, I was wondering...

Holly: Artemis, we've already discussed this, you CAN NOT drink out of the toilet.

Artemis: But I wasn't going to ask that! I was going to say, shouldn't the show be called "DIY With _Artemis_ and..."

Holly: We've already discussed that as well, and we can't change it. And you still can't drink out of the toilet.

Artemis: -grumbles-

Holly: Anyhow, today we're going to make a spice rack.

Artemis: Why?

Holly: Because you need a spice rack to hold spices.

Artemis: We have a metal spice rack in the Manor.

Holly: Well, you're meant to have a wooden one.

Artemis: Why?

Holly: Because they're... COOLER!

Artemis: -scoffs- I don't care whether a wooden spice rack is "cooler" than a metal one, I'm not helping this time.

Holly: You didn't help last time, either!

Artemis: That's not true! I handed you the screwdriver and hammer last time!

Holly: -rolls eyes- Whatever. OK, first we need some wood. Artemis?

Artemis: I'm not getting any wood! I'll get splinters.

Holly: So?

Artemis: I won't be able to play piano any more.

Holly: -stares at him blankly-

Artemis: Fine. –goes to get wood-

Holly: OK, now that we have wood we need some glue and sticky tape and nails and screws and a screwdriver and hammer. Artemis will have to get them as well.

Artemis: -staggers in being crushed under the weight of all the everyday items that he doesn't carry on account of him being a weakling. Which is also basically the same word as a duckling, but weaker-

Holly: OK, we have all the stuff. Now, Artemis you should start building.

Artemis: I don't know how to build a spice rack!

Holly: YES! –adds to list of things that Artemis doesn't know how to do, the first of which is "Be kind to women"- Start building the rack, Fowl.

Artemis: Fine. –starts working-

_Later..._

Half-Finished Spice Rack: -looks OK-

Holly: Wow, Artemis! You managed to half-finish the spice rack without screwing up!

Half-Finished Spice Rack: -is very depressed on account of that it's only half finished, and takes this chance to implode-

Artemis: Uh, Holly?

Holly: -reading magazine- Hrmm?

Artemis: The spice rack just imploded.

Holly: Don't lie to me! –rolls up magazine and starts whacking Artemis with it- That's bad. BAD!

Artemis: -curled up on floor- Meep.

Holly: Fine, I'm just going to have to make it again.

_Later..._

Finished Spice Rack: -is no longer depressed that it's only half-finished because it's completely finished-

Holly: -wipes away sweat- Finished.

Finished Spice Rack: -is not depressed or Emo, but implodes anyway-

Holly: NOOOO! My precious spice rack! –cries-

Artemis: There, there...

Holly: -sobs-

Artemis: Can we use the metal one now?

Holly: Yes.

Artemis: Good. –leaves-

Holly: Well, that's the end of the show. You haven't learned how to make a spice rack, so go buy one from the supermarket for like twenty cents.

20 Cent Supermarket Spice Rack: -grumbles-

Holly: No offence meant. Stay tuned till next time! (There will be a next time).

**(A/N: Really, really bad, I know. Not funny, not entertaining. I'm surprised if anyone has read this far. No witty twist, no stupid jokes, nothing. **

**But if someone would like to tell me otherwise, I'll post the other one!**

**Sovrani)**


	3. Rabbit Hutch

**(Disclaimer: I don't own Artemis, Holly or Monty Python. But I do own the Evil Vampire Albino TALKING Rabbit. YAY! I own something! –dances-)**

**(A/N: This chapter is a lot shorter than the others, considering how long it took me to write)**

Holly: Welcome back to "DIY with Holly and Artemis!" Today we're...

Artemis: Holly, can I..?

Holly: We're not changing the name, Artemis!

Artemis: -grumbles-

Holly: Anyway, today we're going to build a rabbit hutch.

Artemis: Why? I don't have any rabbits.

Holly: You have two rabbits.

**(A/N: Ha, DIRTY THOUGHTS COME TO MIND! Bwahaha, two rabbits XD)**

Artemis: Ah. What are their names?

Holly: Flopsy and Mopsy.

Artemis: Couldn't the names be a little more... interesting?

Holly: Fine, what do you want to name them?

Artemis: How about Orpheus and Poseidon?

Holly: You and your Gods, eh? No, because they're both girls.

Artemis: We can have Aphrodite and Hera, then. –stares- Wait, what are they doing!?

Holly: Oh no! STOP THAT YOU TWO! THERE ARE CHILDREN WATCHING!

Artemis: AAAAH! MY EYES! MAKE THEM STOP, HOLLY, MAKE THEM STOP!

Holly: -ignores Artemis- Um... Orpheus please stop doing that to Aphrodite...

Artemis: -rolling on ground in agony- THE PICTURE WILL NEVER LEAVE MY MIND! I'M CURSED HOLLY! YOU SAID THEY WERE BOTH GIRLS!!

Holly: Just shut up for a moment! This is more serious than we thought!

Artemis: -in high pitched voice- Oh no, this is even more serious than me seeing two rabbits... –trails off-

Holly: Well, obviously they are not both girls, and have you ever heard the phrase "bred like rodents?" **(A/N: Actually a quote from the first AF book)**

Artemis: Yes, and rabbits are rodents, what are you getting at?

Holly: Well, ever wondered how that phrase came to be?

Artemis: Oh no...

Room: -is suddenly filled with baby rabbits-

Holly: And rabbits don't care for incest either, so soon enough...

Room: -is filled with so many rabbits that it explodes! Or implodes... whatever-

_Later..._

Artemis: -chasing rabbits- I'm going to kill you, Holly.

Holly: Oh I know. You can as soon as we catch all the rabbits...

Artemis: -catches one- OK, got one.

Holly: Only 3,897 to go!

Artemis: -groan- -puts rabbit in a BIG cage-

_Much, Much, Much later..._

Holly: Only two rabbits to go!

Rabbit: -has red eyes-

Holly: OHMYGOSH! It's an evil vampire rabbit!

Artemis: Why do you say that?

Holly: Its eyes are red!

Artemis: It's an albino rabbit, Holly.

Evil Vampire Albino Rabbit: MUAHAHAHAHA! –starts sucking at another rabbit's neck-

Artemis and Holly: AAAAH! –locks themselves in rabbit cage-

Evil Vampire Albino Rabbit: Squeak! Muahaha! Squeal!

Artemis: Holly, if we don't survive, I want you to know that I love you.

Holly: Oh Artemis...

Rabbit Cage: -is trampled by some random cow-

Artemis and Holly: AAAAH!

Evil Vampire Albino Rabbit: MUAHAHAH! I AM AN EVIL VAMPIRE ALBINO TALKING RABBIT! AND I WILL SUCK YOUR BLOOD!

Artemis: Would you happen to be related to that white bunny in "Monty Python: The quest for the Holy Grail"?

Evil Vampire Albino TALKING Rabbit: You know, I might be. I never knew my mother... –starts crying-

Holly: -comes over to rabbit and comforts it- Aww, there, there, it's all right.

Evil Vampire Albino TALKING Rabbit: It's not fair! My mother probably had me with her older brother, because we rabbits don't care for incest! I can never get married to another Evil Vampire Albino Talking Rabbit because they are probably related to me!

Artemis: That's right, let it all out...

Evil Vampire Albino TALKING Rabbit: Let's go buy rollerskates.

Holly: And ribbons!

Artemis: And deodorant!

Holly and EVATR: -look at him-

Artemis: What? Can't get enough of deodorant!

Holly and EVATR: -back away slowly-

**(A/N: I told you it was short. Now, you can review and tell me to update, but I won't be able to write another chapter for awhile, because I'm working on the rewritten version of "Artemis Fowl and the Collapse of Haven" which is going to take me FOR EVER. But then again, Lozza is coming over soon... –evil grin-**

**REVIEW OR YOU DON'T GET MUFFINS, TIMTAMS OR A NEW CHAPTER!**

**Sovrani)**


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